As part of our mental Health Week Campaign Abby Crowe from Solent mind
shares her mental health experience.
For as long as I can remember I have been a hyperactive person. In some
respects I’m a dream employee, full of drive and I can keep going for hours
without needing a break. So why is it I am now unable to work and rely on a
cocktail of medication to get me through the day? Like one in four people in
the UK I suffer from a mental illness. I have bipolar 1. Mention the condition
and celebrities such as TV presenter Gail Porter and actress Catherine
Zeta-Jones spring to mind. Both high-profile figures have fought against this
illness, which is characterised by extreme mood swings.
I started to spend money erratically. I would decide I didn’t like what I was wearing and go out and buy a whole new outfit, only to wear it once before stuffing it in my wardrobe. In three years I blew £6,000 on impulse buys. Deep down I was desperately unhappy yet I couldn’t stop. I started a punishing work regime, doing two jobs on top of my degree. I worked in a bar four nights a week until 3am. Then I’d drive home, sleep for a couple of hours and go to my day job in a children’s centre. Ironically, because of my energy and work ethic, my bosses were always impressed and kept promoting me.
My mother and brother have been there for me throughout. I have lost some friends but the ones who have stayed could not have been more supportive. It’s been hard to come to terms with having a mental illness. If I had broken my leg people would feel more comfortable but there is such a stigma associated with mental illness. That’s why I’m delighted when I hear celebrities such as Stephen Fry and Catherine Zeta-Jones talk frankly about their own struggle.
In May I got involved with Solent Mind, a local free service for people with mental health problems. They have helped to rebuild my confidence and now I go into colleges, groups and workshops and give talks about mental health on their behalf. On the face of it I look like a young presentable woman with everything going for her. I hope to hear someone like me say I have a problem will remove the stigma and preconceptions associated with mental health. Although things are still a struggle I’m very proud of what I’ve achieved. I’m not ashamed of having a mental illness and nor should anyone else be. I have been to hell and back but I will never stop fighting for a normal life.
Originally featured in the Daily Express Thursday August 18 2011 By Kate Thompson
For as long as I can remember I have been a hyperactive person. In some
respects I’m a dream employee, full of drive and I can keep going for hours
without needing a break. So why is it I am now unable to work and rely on a
cocktail of medication to get me through the day? Like one in four people in
the UK I suffer from a mental illness. I have bipolar 1. Mention the condition
and celebrities such as TV presenter Gail Porter and actress Catherine
Zeta-Jones spring to mind. Both high-profile figures have fought against this
illness, which is characterised by extreme mood swings.
My own battle began when I was 12. I was an energetic child and my
mother Mary and my teachers assumed I was simply hyperactive. When I was 12 my
dad Barrie died quite suddenly aged 55 of blood poisoning. Looking back I’m
sure the loss of my father, coupled with being diagnosed as dyslexic when I was
17, served to mask my bipolar disorder. As my behaviour grew more erratic I
think many close to me assumed I was grieving or going through puberty. By the
time I went to university in Winchester I was already very ill. University was
a bewildering and lonely time. My loud behaviour set me apart as different so I
was a natural target for bullies. The girls in my year would talk about me
behind my back and I was often left out when people made plans.
I started to spend money erratically. I would decide I didn’t like what I was wearing and go out and buy a whole new outfit, only to wear it once before stuffing it in my wardrobe. In three years I blew £6,000 on impulse buys. Deep down I was desperately unhappy yet I couldn’t stop. I started a punishing work regime, doing two jobs on top of my degree. I worked in a bar four nights a week until 3am. Then I’d drive home, sleep for a couple of hours and go to my day job in a children’s centre. Ironically, because of my energy and work ethic, my bosses were always impressed and kept promoting me.
When I wasn’t working I’d go out and get drunk. Alcohol, however, made
me aggressive. I would try to drink under the table whoever I was with and
often wouldn’t stop until I was unable to stand. By the time I left university
I was heading for a breakdown.
Like most bipolar sufferers I have an inability to stick at one thing so over the next few years I moved from job to job. I worked as an air hostess, in a holiday park as a rep and for a bank. After I left university my weight crept up until I was a size 16 and miserable. I went to my GP and told him I thought I had depression. “You just need to do some exercise,” he said. This was the worst thing he could have told me. From that moment exercise became my new compulsion. Every morning I visited the gym for three hours and then again after work. When I wasn’t pumping iron I was counting calories and walking everywhere. By the time I was 25 I weighed 8st 7lb, too little for my height of 5ft 7in. Living away from my family I’d managed to keep my weight loss a secret but when I went home to Somerset for Christmas in 2009 my mother and brother were horrified. Mum told me I had a problem but I refused to admit it.
Like most bipolar sufferers I have an inability to stick at one thing so over the next few years I moved from job to job. I worked as an air hostess, in a holiday park as a rep and for a bank. After I left university my weight crept up until I was a size 16 and miserable. I went to my GP and told him I thought I had depression. “You just need to do some exercise,” he said. This was the worst thing he could have told me. From that moment exercise became my new compulsion. Every morning I visited the gym for three hours and then again after work. When I wasn’t pumping iron I was counting calories and walking everywhere. By the time I was 25 I weighed 8st 7lb, too little for my height of 5ft 7in. Living away from my family I’d managed to keep my weight loss a secret but when I went home to Somerset for Christmas in 2009 my mother and brother were horrified. Mum told me I had a problem but I refused to admit it.
By January I couldn’t sleep, eat or collect my thoughts for a moment. I
rang mum in a state, telling her I was thinking about killing myself. She
insisted I visit my GP, who diagnosed depression and put me on antidepressants.
They didn’t work and one month later I had a nervous breakdown. I can pinpoint
the moment exactly. It was February 11, 2010, at 8.15am. I was sitting at my
desk and I tried to log into my computer but I couldn’t remember the password.
Suddenly everything went into slow motion, the screen went blurry and my face
felt numb. My voice felt as if it belonged to someone else. I remember
whimpering and my manager ushered me outside. Work signed me off straightaway.
The next three months are still a blur. I rang my mum who paid for me to see a
cognitive behavioural therapist twice a week. It was at these sessions that the
therapist suggested I might be bipolar. After that things moved rapidly. I was
admitted to an NHS mental health unit in Southampton where I was seen by a
psychiatrist.
The treatment I received there saved my life. Within two weeks I was diagnosed with bipolar 1, the most severe form of the illness. The psychiatrist thought I’d probably had it since the age of 12. In some ways I was relieved I finally knew what was wrong but another part of me was furious I’d suffered needlessly for years. Sufferers with type 1 swing between distinct episodes of mania and depression. “During manic episodes you can survive on little sleep, have racing thoughts, experience paranoia, act impulsively and overspend,” the psychiatrist explained. Mum was keen for me to move back in with her but I wanted to retain my independence so I stayed in Southampton and visited the unit every day. Over the next 16 months doctors tried four different types of medication before they got it right. Each time it would take the drug a month to get into my system. I suffered side effects ranging from weight gain to voices in my head. Finally I started taking lithium carbonate. I have been on it for nine months and it works by stabilising my mood. Medication alone is not the answer. Every day I have to work hard to keep calm and there are many coping mechanisms I use to get by, such as salsa dancing and walking. I find sensible exercise helps me to feel normal.
The treatment I received there saved my life. Within two weeks I was diagnosed with bipolar 1, the most severe form of the illness. The psychiatrist thought I’d probably had it since the age of 12. In some ways I was relieved I finally knew what was wrong but another part of me was furious I’d suffered needlessly for years. Sufferers with type 1 swing between distinct episodes of mania and depression. “During manic episodes you can survive on little sleep, have racing thoughts, experience paranoia, act impulsively and overspend,” the psychiatrist explained. Mum was keen for me to move back in with her but I wanted to retain my independence so I stayed in Southampton and visited the unit every day. Over the next 16 months doctors tried four different types of medication before they got it right. Each time it would take the drug a month to get into my system. I suffered side effects ranging from weight gain to voices in my head. Finally I started taking lithium carbonate. I have been on it for nine months and it works by stabilising my mood. Medication alone is not the answer. Every day I have to work hard to keep calm and there are many coping mechanisms I use to get by, such as salsa dancing and walking. I find sensible exercise helps me to feel normal.
My mother and brother have been there for me throughout. I have lost some friends but the ones who have stayed could not have been more supportive. It’s been hard to come to terms with having a mental illness. If I had broken my leg people would feel more comfortable but there is such a stigma associated with mental illness. That’s why I’m delighted when I hear celebrities such as Stephen Fry and Catherine Zeta-Jones talk frankly about their own struggle.
In May I got involved with Solent Mind, a local free service for people with mental health problems. They have helped to rebuild my confidence and now I go into colleges, groups and workshops and give talks about mental health on their behalf. On the face of it I look like a young presentable woman with everything going for her. I hope to hear someone like me say I have a problem will remove the stigma and preconceptions associated with mental health. Although things are still a struggle I’m very proud of what I’ve achieved. I’m not ashamed of having a mental illness and nor should anyone else be. I have been to hell and back but I will never stop fighting for a normal life.
Originally featured in the Daily Express Thursday August 18 2011 By Kate Thompson
For more
information visit solentmind.org.uk
Visit Abby's Heads-Up twitter page @HeadsUp_Abby
Southampton Rape Crisis helpline: 023 8063 6313, website: southamptonrapecrisis.com
Rape Crisis England and Wales helpline: 0808 802 9999, website: rapecrisis.org.uk
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